


Toast to Naboo

by handschuhmaus



Series: Top Gear: GFFA [1]
Category: Oz and James Drink to Britain RPF, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - television presenters, Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Ridiculous, What is this even?, actual piles of sith, adorable idiots, drunk darth plagueis, identifying fields of crops, not taking the Sith seriously, occasionally cuddly, standing in a wheat field is not extraordinary Candace Flynn, to be continued at some point, well sort of actually they mostly try to stay short of properly drunk, you with your dietary restrictions Hego Damask
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-07 07:58:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1891308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/handschuhmaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Plagueis and Tyranus host an *educational* show about the alcoholic beverages of Naboo. Understandably, Sidious is a bit disappointed that neither thought to consult him...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How Sidious joined them

**Author's Note:**

> ...I've been thinking about this for a while now; it's actually an offshoot of the Sith Top Gear ideas floating around in my head, and the line regarding "my boyfriend to my planet" has long been part of it. Today the image of Palpatine confronting the rather taller Damask occurred to me and I banged this behind the scenes snippet out. 
> 
> Future parts will probably contain less cuddling, but I will not promise to do away with it.
> 
> No offense to or implications regarding James May, Oz Clarke, or other associated persons intended.

"You went to my planet with _my_ boyfriend and said not a word to me about it?!" Palpatine exclaimed angrily, glaring up at Damask.

For good measure, Hego returned the glare, but it took a moment before words occurred to the normally glib Muun. "Your--I didn't know you were together," he remarked, managing to imbue the surprised comment with a disdainful tone.

For his part, Yan, just now enduring the room, stifled a laugh, not without effort, at the rather comical sight of his--yes, boyfriend was the word they'd chosen--irrately addressing his mentor, the much taller Muun. Further supressing sarcastic remarks, he walked over and put an arm around Palpatine's shoulder, hand slipping into his hair. "Cos, what are you so cross about?" he asked airily.

Palpatine tried to glare at him, but the expression dissolved into a fond, mirthful one, and he turned away, more as a nod to saving face than out of actual embarrassment. Dooku turned to Damask, who proceeded to flop down into one of the visitors' chairs with his usual peculiar grace, amusement tugging up at the corners of his mouth.

"Obviously, there can be only one resolution," Hego declared, his typical knowledgeable tones returned.

"And what _would_ that be?" Cos asked, turning back toward his mentor and companionably leaning his head against Yan's shoulder.

"For you to join us, of course," Damask pronounced, making the statement sound like the inevitable conclusion of anyone who wasn't a fool.

And yet--there was something to the idea. Cos had a longstanding association with Hego, and of course Yan was by no means averse to his company.

"There's going to be another one, is there?" Palpatine asked, affecting a longsuffering tone while indicating perfectly well that he was intrigued.

"Why yes, isn't there, Dooku?" Hego informed him smugly.

"So there is," Yan agreed, as Cos snaked his arm around his back for a lingering half hug.


	2. Standing in a Grain Field

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hosts of Toast to Naboo, complete with the new addition of Palpatine, attempt to film a segment regarding the beginnings of certain beverages. A potentially good idea, but it doesn't go exactly right...

"So--" Hego began conversationally, standing in the field. He was, for the look of things, wearing a fine woolen scarf which Palpatine happened to _know_ he didn't need, as a native of Mygeeto. The human _was_ wearing a light jacket against the evening chill, but it was more for comfort than otherwise.

"What are we doing here?" he cut in, looking up at the Muun.

Yan Dooku, looking even more skeptically dour than usual inquired dryly, "Why are you in this field, Hego?"

"Ah, well, here is the beginning of--" Damask began to pontificate.

"Beginning of what?" Palpatine interrupted, gazing at the plants surrounding them and the neat mown rows of raked hay that betrayed the field for something that did not spell auspicious beginnings for beverages. His mind turning quickly, he quipped, "Your morning blood sausage? Or--do they mostly only do that with porcine animals?"

His former teacher looked momentarily shocked; ostensibly he was a vegetarian, though even Cos did not understand his numerous quirks surrounding food, some of which were based in Muun society. "I got the wrong field," he said mildly, and walked with long strides to an adjacent field, this one full of dry brown-gold foliage.

"This is a field of beans, Hego," Yan informed him, as he reached the margin of said area.

"I'm a Muun, not some botanical authority!" he said reproachfully, gesturing grandly. "Strike that from the holo and show me where I'm supposed to stand."

"Did you _want_ to stand in the barley field across the lane, then?" Palpatine asked dubiously, as _he_ arrived at the bean field and picked some crumbled leaves from the legs of his trousers.

"What, you--" Hego spluttered, "you know how to--identify plants?"

"No," his erstwhile apprentice answered, a shade of potential sarcasm in his voice, "I wouldn't know barley from wheat from rye in the field, only I do know you came here expressly because she grows barley."

"Well then," Damask countered smugly, "you can hardly lord it over me--"

"Hego, you didn't realize that barley wouldn't be in a hay field. He doesn't know how to distinguish between grains. Hardly the same magnitude of ignorance," Yan pronounced.

Facing away from the other two, Cos snickered very slightly at the ex-Jedi's acknowledging ignorance, but then asked, "Where did _you_ learn these things? Coruscant is hardly teaming with plant life."

"Qui-Gon," Dooku said tersely, and that was that.

Not entirely comprehending that matter, but recognizing the tension, Hego gestured toward a fourth field. "What about that one?" he challenged.

Palpatine craned his head to survey it and then put his palm to his forehead as he put his other hand on his boyfriend's back. "That is a field of pumpkins, Hego Damask, as you _might_ surmise from all the large round orange things lying among the vines!"

The Muun glanced at them ruefully and gave the camera a look that suggested helplessness in the face of their antics and also an attitude of gladly playing the fool. "Now, ah," he addressed them with graceful abashedness, "if we could get around to actually doing our segment?"

"As you will, Hego," Yan offered in a conciliatory tone. "What _is_ it you wanted to tell our viewers regarding barley?"

"Primarily," Damask said, abbreviating his lecture somewhat, "that here--" he made his way to the barley field and held out an arm to indicate the expanse, "is where a number of Naboo's lesser known beverages begin, the planet being primarily known for its wines and liqueurs but nevertheless producing a handful of excellent grain-based beverages."

"It is also the basis for a local soup," Cos noted. When the other two looked at him, he shrugged and explained, "There are certain advantages to having a local along with you."

"And I thought you'd adopted Coruscant," Yan said quietly as they turned to talk away from the fields.

"Are we to try this soup?" Hego inquired, his tone suggesting he was intrigued.

"I don't know if _you_ will," Palpatine responded. "It wouldn't seem to align with your dietary requirements."

"What, you think I'm picky?" Damask retorted, fixing the shorter human with a pointed glance.

"No," the addressed replied glibly, rolling his eyes, "only that I'm none too certain it comes in a vegetarian variety."

"Oh," he said, suitably chastised.

* * *

**Coming Up...**   
_"We are-are--" Palpatine tried to narrate over the clamor of the people surrounding them, but then gave it up and reported instead, a bit surprisedly, "Yan's been given a cake."_

_"So he has," Damask agreed neutrally, sipping from a flute of sparkling wine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...so yes, this does strangely blend a narration of antics as they're filming with the sort of "coming up next" that would be in the show...

**Author's Note:**

> I leave you with a taste of next time:
> 
> "Next time on 'Toast to Naboo', Yan wears pink earmuffs and eats cake (shots of him doing both, not simultaneously), I attack a salad (shot: both Cos and Hego covered in pieces of lettuce, a squashed tomato in the human's hair, and a cluster of pepperoncini slices on the Muun's shoulder), and Hego insults the waitstaff (shot of Damask adressing an alien waiter irately)"


End file.
